Anyone who has ever tried to purchase happiness has found that out.  I’ve recently purchased a 2011 Ford Mustang to replace my ailing Tribute, and I’ll admit – driving that beauty brings a smile to my face.  There’s absolutely nothing sensible about it. Sure, I try to cover that up by saying it gets better gas mileage than my old car, but really – I bought it because it’s sexy, black, drives like a dream, and when I floor the accelerator, she flies down the road.  But as with all things you can buy – the momentary high you get from them fades.  Whether it be expensive toys, clothes, shoes, drugs, alcohol, or even sex – it never lasts.

You can’t find it with people.  Sure, meeting the right person can make your life better.  We all know how the heart can sing when you find love. But it’s not something you can depend on to always be there. Some day that person will be gone – whether they pass on or life just takes them.  Friends have their own lives, loves can come and go, parents and children go on their own journey. And relying on someone to always be there and to give you what you need is both unrealistic and selfish.

I’ll even go so far as to stretch that idea towards religion. We ask our gods to take away the pain, to bring us joy, and to reward us with paradise, trusting in our belief that we’ll be delivered. It’s almost like betting the farm on that one horse to win the race.

But don’t take me wrong – this isn’t a doom and gloom piece.  Happiness is certainly attainable. Think of it like paints for a canvas.  All the things in your life – the things you buy, the people in your life, art, music, pets, gods, sunrises, etc – they’re tools you use along the route, but you have to find happiness in yourself first. The simple joy of being alive is itself a reward – everything else just comes along of it’s own accord.

Case in point – I’m out with some friends the other night. Now, as anyone who has ever gone to a bar where live music is playing knows, having conversations is not the easiest thing. Add in the fact that the participants are consuming mass quantities of mood-altering substances, and holding an intelligent conversation can be a minefield.

I was talking to someone who I knew belonged to a very enthusiastic (for lack of a better term) church.  The kind where they are very vocal about their beliefs and, even in the face of information to the contrary, continue in those beliefs. The leader of said church has no intentions of hiding his political activism, and the fact that he’s televised doesn’t help matters.  I’ve met others who attend that church, and while I’ve never really sensed malice from them, having conversations with true believers can be frustrating.

So I already had some preconceptions going into the conversation. But it’s not like I had any negative thoughts or thought less of them. I just knew that as long as I avoided certain topics, I could have a pleasant conversation.  Of course, the fact that said person was a very attractive gal who I will admit to being very interested in didn’t help matters. Always fun to have that scale going in one’s head – weighing the pros and cons of pursuing matters.

As the conversation went on and people around us chimed in, I finally did what I should have done in the first place – put my preconceptions to the side and just listened. And what I heard was a bright intelligent human being who didn’t just blindly accept the truth of others. And I’ll admit, I felt some shame – because there I was, doing the exact thing I hoped people didn’t do to me – just make assumptions about me based on labels placed on me.  I’m the big guy with tattoos, long hair, don’t attend church or worship a higher being – all of that conjures up one stereotype or another.

It reminded me that people can become close who are on opposite sides of an ideological fence, as long as they continue to respect each other as human beings.  The other person isn’t wrong, per se, they just don’t agree with you.  If we all thought and believed the same, what fun would that be? I have friends who believe in all matters of religions, philosophies, political standings, and ideas that I don’t necessarily agree with – so ruling out anything deeper isn’t fair to them or to me. Will things be a bit more difficult? Sure – then again, who ever said it was easy?

Just because someone is devoutly religious or political doesn’t make them “evil” or to be feared. I look at Ann Coulter and Bill Maher – two people who couldn’t be more different, and yet, they profess a great fondness for each other as friends. James Carville and Mary Matalin have been married for almost 20 years, and apparently their secret is they just don’t talk politics at home.

It was a start reminder to me that sometimes I should heed my own advice – in this crazy mixed up world, one should strive to find happiness and joy wherever you can.  Don’t be afraid to try. Yes, you can use past experience as a guide, but don’t use it as a wall.  I’ll be honest – I have no idea what’s in my future. But this has been a reminder to me to accept and appreciate the people around me – to not blindly judge.  And here’s hoping that sentiment reaches out to others.  If we all tried a little harder to accept others, who knows – maybe we’ll all become a bit more enlightened.

Now, this is not me freaking out about getting older.  Honestly, I have never felt any sort of trepidation about aging.  Maybe it’s because I don’t have a little rugrat running around getting older and thus reminding me of my own age.  The only time that ever happens is when I suddenly remember “Oh shit, I’m how old again?” or when I see some cute gal at a bar or on TV and realize that I’m no longer “just a few years older”. The former just kind of lends itself to my ever-increasing absent-mindedness that just comes with being an old fart, so at least there’s a positive in there somewhere. As for the latter – who knows, maybe it’ll keep me from being a dirty old man…. nah…

But getting back to the hair – I made a decision a long time ago that I wasn’t going to be one of those vain people who dyes their hair to “look young”.  I may be an old bastard on the outside, but nothing will ever make me feel old on the inside. No, this isn’t the first grey hair on my head, but each time I see them I think it’s just another badge of honor for having made it through life.

Let’s see.. last we left off, I was talking about heading up to Michigan to see my best friend. Had a blast – got to spend time with her and her new guy, who gets my seal of approval. She’s happy, he treats her right, and in the end that’s all that really matters.  Met some new folks – fell in lust with one gal, but as my luck would have it she was taken – story of my life Got seriously sunburned on the floating trip, which made the flight home lots of fun.  Since then… it all kind of blends together.  Did a superhero pub crawl in Austin dressed as the Comedian from Watchman – got some great ideas on how to make the costume a lot better for Halloween.  It’s been nuclear hot here in Texas, so venturing outdoors has been limited.

Work-wise, looks like I’m moving to first shift soon, though honestly it doesn’t really feel like a victory in a “I finally made it” kind of way, but more of a “we really don’t have anyone else in the position and no time to hire/train someone, so I guess you’ll do” way.  I guess I can blame that ho-hum attitude on having applied for the position 3 times and not getting it.  The odd part is, having worked the shift on a trial basis, I really missed the 2nd shift crew. It’s like I finally got things settled down and we really clicked as a team, and now I’m messing that up.  The practical side of me knows that given the chance either guy on the team would leave for a different team/shift if it suited their career advancement or desire so I should too, but I guess in the last few months I’ve been lacking a sort of stability.

I can understand relationships – be they friends, lovers, co-workers, etc – dissolving because people just don’t get along and such.. but lately it’s like people are just fading from my life.  I look at my phone contact list and realize that some of the people on there have not spoken to me in months or years, people I considered close and dear friends have drifted off without so much a goodbye… and I know I’m to blame as well.  We all get caught up in our lives – it’s easier to deal with life in the moment than something out of sight and mind.  And it makes me realize – if someone can slip out of your life that easily, they weren’t a major part of it to begin with in the first place.  Whether it’s your fault for believing you were closer or theirs for so easily leaving you behind – life seems to be a never-ending parade of people who come into your life and then go on their own way.

The hard part I’ve found is not letting that sort of thing affect you, and I’ll admit lately I haven’t been doing a great job of that.  You get tired and jaded of putting yourself out there only to be rebuked, so eventually you just stop trying.  Probably a sign I just need to stop thinking about it, over-analyzing things, and just enjoy living in the moment.  When you have no expectations, it’s a lot more difficult to be disappointed.

Today is Father’s Day, and already I’ve seen friends changing their profile pictures to those of their fathers and writing lovely statements in honor of them.  And here I sit… feeling none of that.  I wish I could… I wish I could be one of the normal people who still have family to lean on when times get rough, knowing that no matter how bad things get, I still have a place to call home.  But I don’t.

To the man who brought me into this world, I have nothing but cold disdain for.  When I left home, I was a fool.  I still believed that you were a model I should base my life on.  A man who sacrificed to put food on his family’s table. I saw that as so noble, even forgiving the fact that you were not around as much as I wish you could be.   I defended you with the blind faith of a young boy who looked up to his father and remembered the few times you were there to talk to, to show me what it was to be a man.

And you did.  Only not in the way you think.  If I took your actions and did the exact opposite, I would have been a good, honorable man.  When you were diagnosed with a disease that would kill you if left untreated, you decided to live in spite of that – seeing your own daily pleasure as more important than being around to be a husband and father. Then the truth of your indiscretions came to life – you left home to shack up with some other woman leaving my mother to eventually die alone, showing what a true worthless human being you were.  And when I called you on it, asking you to explain yourself, instead of feeling shame, you responded back to me as if I was nothing important, an “idgit” who didn’t know his place.

Fuck you, old man.  I wish I had seen the light of this year before, and maybe the brunt of losing everything that I had held dear wouldn’t have been so brutal.  But here’s the thing. Maybe you did something right. I’ve withstood loss and pain that would have broken lesser men, and I’ve become stronger.  Stronger than you ever were.

I’ve lost those whom I have loved unconditionally.  I’ve lost friends who I counted on to be there when I needed them.  I stand over the Abyss, looking down into the black nothingness, and I keep moving on.  Because to admit defeat is not an option.  I’ve taken every sling and arrow this fucked up universe can throw at a man and I still stand here ready to take the next blow.

I lost the ability to father my own children 10 years ago, and it seems I’ve gone past the point where that could be reversed.  I’ve long accepted that.  In a way, I’m glad – it’s like I’m the last holdout of a cursed bloodline, and when I go, I remove that disease from the gene pool.  With all the bad things I’ve done in my life, the times when I was weak that I still feel shamed for, maybe it’s my one redemption.

I’ve become a man I can be proud of.  An honorable man.  One who stands by his friends, who does more good than harm.  I’m not a perfect man. I still make mistakes, but I own up to them and try to do right.  I’ve accepted that I may be on my own for the rest of my days, but I’ll never be lonely.  While I have friends who leave me behind, I have even more to take their place.  I have finally reached a point where I’m content with who I am, my faults as well as my strengths, and it’s all been due to my own inner self.  I’ve had other people in my life who, even though they share no blood ties with me, become better fathers than you could ever dream of being.

So thank you, Dad – thank you for being the paragon of what I do not want to be.  Consider it the one worthwhile thing you’ve done with your life – a son who has withstood all the hell this world can give one man and not break him.  Unfortunately I have bad news for you – you’re getting relegated to the darkest reaches of my mind, along with all the other rejects and refuse I don’t need in my life anymore.  I free myself from any chains of anger and rage I feel for you. You’re not important to me anymore. You have no hold on my life anymore.  I move on further into the light and leave you behind.  Rot in whatever hell this universe has to offer, because this will be the last time the thought of you crosses my mind.

We no longer court the way we used to, as people are more apt to stay home instead of going out into the world.  These days if we don’t get immediate success, it’s not worth doing, so people don’t go out into the great unknown.  We go out with our friends in large groups so we don’t have to feel alone.  And most of us tend to zone others out when we’re on our own, and thanks to mp3 players or bluetooth headsets, we have a reason not to converse with those around us.  So if you’re going to meet people with similar interests, internet dating isn’t a bad way to go.

So here’s what I want to know.  I understand that the “free” sites make their money through advertising. This tends to attract the less desirable element – those too cheap to pay for the higher-end sites, and they’re not really looking for anything substantial.  Then there’s the pay sites like Match that tend to attract those looking for more than a roll in the hay. You tend to be a bit pickier with the people you talk to there, so it tends to keep people coming back, so we know how those companies make their money.

How do the sites that “guarantee” they’ll find your soul mate work? I’m looking at you E-Harmony, but there’s a few others of their ilk – usually off-shoots of the pay sites where they ask more questions and make you jump through more hoops all in the name of finding out what you’re really looking for.  Follow my thoughts on this one…

So let’s say you sign up, fill out their gigantic questionnaire, and finally days later you submit your profile into their mystical cupid algorithm.  It crunches the numbers, does all the matching, and then supplies you with, I’m sure, a list of choices. But going by their advertising, if they rank those choices, wouldn’t the first choice therefore be your most compatible?  Let’s say you strike up a conversation with that person and you find out that there’s nothing there.  Okay, time for #2.  But wait – if after doing all that work to find all your qualities and attributes the number 1 choice isn’t it, how can you then trust the system for #2 or more? In fact, why bother providing more names?  Gee, sorry, Jane, you’re alright, but I have to admit the system only sees us as 94% compatible, and you were 8 on my list.

Of course, you can realize this entire write-up is one gigantic joke as it was intended, poking fun at the ads we drown in every day.  Love is not quantifiable, and gods help us if it ever were.

For me, it comes down to music.  I’ll admit to having a jukebox in my head, and I’ll hear music at odd times.  When I’m working, when I’m bored, if I’m out listening to live music and not enjoying it, etc.  I have music that suits my moods, to the point where if I’m feeling one way and want to feel another, I’ll play that music.  But when I meet someone who will truly have an impact in my life, I hear a song, and it becomes there own.  Now, I may not hear it the first time I meet them, but when it happens, it’s deafening – it’s all I can hear.

I’ve had this happen to me three times in my life.  I wish I could say that the outcome was something from a fairy tale, but this is the real world.  Knowing something doesn’t mean it’ll come to pass, or it will last forever.   Sometimes the music starts playing and I just have to brace myself – it’s like sitting in the front of a rollercoaster and seeing the plunge you’re about to take, anticipating the start the of the journey. And sometimes, the music ends.

Nothing in this life is guaranteed.  There’s nothing that says everything will turn out perfectly.  So when you hear the music of your own, here’s some advice from a man who has made many a mistake and learned from them.  Don’t run from it – join the dance.  Savor however long it lasts.  Revel in the joy of the moment.  And if it ends or it was never meant to be – it’s better to have tried and failed then never to have tried.  I know this all sounds trite – but the simple truths always withstand the tests of time.  You can’t force it, you can’t go looking for it – no one makes magic anymore.

I’ve lost a great deal in my 30-odd years of life.  Sometimes I think more than anyone should in the time I’ve been on this planet – it should have been spread out over a few decades, but we’re dealt the cards we’re meant to use.  And there are dark times when the weight of it all drags on me.  And in those times, I’ll hear a song I’ve not allowed myself to hear.  And it brings a flood of memories with it – a reminder that even in the dark times, there’s still joy in the world.  A reminder that each day brings a chance to find beauty.  And the music carries on.

So however you find your answers, just keep this in mind.  The faces may change, the lyrics may change, but the song remains the same.  And if you listen closely enough, it’ll tell you everything you need to know.

For the longest time I avoided getting a cell phone – I wanted times where I was unreachable and could enjoy some privacy, and as soon as people (friends, co-workers, bosses, etc) know you have a cell phone you are now at their beck & call.  I did eventually break down and join the 21st century, but thanks to the invention of voicemail and text messages, if I can’t reach someone immediately, I can leave a message and they can call me back when they’re available. It’s no big deal – granted I might have to think of why I called if I don’t mention it, but that’s my problem, not yours.

If I’m at a bar just relaxing with friends and I’ve invited others to join, I’ll check my phone periodically – in case they’re lost and need directions, etc.  I try not to be “That Guy” who constantly has their face obscured by a cell phone.  I was at a gathering where at one point I noticed that just about everyone at one point had stopped speaking to each other to check their phones. We’ve gotten so used to having information at our fingertips and being reachable by anyone anywhere that sometimes we forget to communicate with the people around us.

But if I’m out watching a movie, enjoying a concert, or on extremely rare occasions enjoying the company of a female companion (again, a topic for another day), I summon up enough couth to turn my ringer and put the phone away.  Especially for the first two, I’ve paid good money to be entertained – why would I ruin that by answering my phone? Unless you’re the head of state, I can’t think of anyone who is so important that they -must- be reachable 24/7 and can’t take a few hours out of their busy life to enjoy something other than the LCD screen of their phone.

And let’s be honest – the majority of calls and texts we get are not -THAT- important.

The state of Oregon passed the Death With Dignity Act in 1997 and the state of Washington followed suit in 2008. Some 525 patients in Oregon and 135 in Washington have died after ingesting lethal doses of medication prescribed by their doctors since the laws were enacted.  The hospice movement to allow patients more control over their final days – shifting from medical treatment to pain management – gained momentum as this topic was brought to light.

It’s very rare these days that we as a society can look beyond the simple story and see the big picture without having some pundit draw it out for us.  How often do we discuss the big picture?  There’s so much going on in the world today, and our ability to gather that information has never been so great.  We could, if we wanted to, find out about revolutions, ethnic cleansings, and other such stories even before they occur because we have the ability to see patterns develop.  But we as a populace can’t follow all that information – we just don’t have the time.  We need a face to bring us the story.

Suicide is a selfish death – and it’s up to each of us to define whether that act of selfishness is justified or not, and it’s something that must be decided in each occasion.  Do we equate someone suffering from severe depression who doesn’t seek the help they need to someone suffering from a crippling disease there is no cure for? What about the elderly patient who has come to the end of their time and is prepared to leave, and wants to go on their own terms?  Mix in social, philosophical, and religious views, and there is no right or wrong answer that covers it all.  We ask the law to decide for us, because we can’t decide on our own – and what context should they make their decision?

It’s these topics and more that one man and his “Mercy Machine” made us think about.  Some people cheered him for bringing light to the debate, while others cursed him on just about any grounds you can think of.  I have no definitive answer to the questions, but I do hope that for every subject that we as a society should be thinking about that each gets a champion for the cause as stalwart as Jack.