I’m going to warn you in advance – if you’re one of those people who doesn’t do well with way-too-personal blogs, skip this one right now. Because I’m fueled up on alcohol and rage, and it’s just going to get pretty ugly… You’ve been warned.
Today is Father’s Day, and already I’ve seen friends changing their profile pictures to those of their fathers and writing lovely statements in honor of them. And here I sit… feeling none of that. I wish I could… I wish I could be one of the normal people who still have family to lean on when times get rough, knowing that no matter how bad things get, I still have a place to call home. But I don’t.
To the man who brought me into this world, I have nothing but cold disdain for. When I left home, I was a fool. I still believed that you were a model I should base my life on. A man who sacrificed to put food on his family’s table. I saw that as so noble, even forgiving the fact that you were not around as much as I wish you could be. I defended you with the blind faith of a young boy who looked up to his father and remembered the few times you were there to talk to, to show me what it was to be a man.
And you did. Only not in the way you think. If I took your actions and did the exact opposite, I would have been a good, honorable man. When you were diagnosed with a disease that would kill you if left untreated, you decided to live in spite of that – seeing your own daily pleasure as more important than being around to be a husband and father. Then the truth of your indiscretions came to life – you left home to shack up with some other woman leaving my mother to eventually die alone, showing what a true worthless human being you were. And when I called you on it, asking you to explain yourself, instead of feeling shame, you responded back to me as if I was nothing important, an “idgit” who didn’t know his place.
Fuck you, old man. I wish I had seen the light of this year before, and maybe the brunt of losing everything that I had held dear wouldn’t have been so brutal. But here’s the thing. Maybe you did something right. I’ve withstood loss and pain that would have broken lesser men, and I’ve become stronger. Stronger than you ever were.
I’ve lost those whom I have loved unconditionally. I’ve lost friends who I counted on to be there when I needed them. I stand over the Abyss, looking down into the black nothingness, and I keep moving on. Because to admit defeat is not an option. I’ve taken every sling and arrow this fucked up universe can throw at a man and I still stand here ready to take the next blow.
I lost the ability to father my own children 10 years ago, and it seems I’ve gone past the point where that could be reversed. I’ve long accepted that. In a way, I’m glad – it’s like I’m the last holdout of a cursed bloodline, and when I go, I remove that disease from the gene pool. With all the bad things I’ve done in my life, the times when I was weak that I still feel shamed for, maybe it’s my one redemption.
I’ve become a man I can be proud of. An honorable man. One who stands by his friends, who does more good than harm. I’m not a perfect man. I still make mistakes, but I own up to them and try to do right. I’ve accepted that I may be on my own for the rest of my days, but I’ll never be lonely. While I have friends who leave me behind, I have even more to take their place. I have finally reached a point where I’m content with who I am, my faults as well as my strengths, and it’s all been due to my own inner self. I’ve had other people in my life who, even though they share no blood ties with me, become better fathers than you could ever dream of being.
So thank you, Dad – thank you for being the paragon of what I do not want to be. Consider it the one worthwhile thing you’ve done with your life – a son who has withstood all the hell this world can give one man and not break him. Unfortunately I have bad news for you – you’re getting relegated to the darkest reaches of my mind, along with all the other rejects and refuse I don’t need in my life anymore. I free myself from any chains of anger and rage I feel for you. You’re not important to me anymore. You have no hold on my life anymore. I move on further into the light and leave you behind. Rot in whatever hell this universe has to offer, because this will be the last time the thought of you crosses my mind.